david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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