I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You smell like a Billy Joel song
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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