Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
