I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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