Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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