The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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