I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
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I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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