you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
