Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
