thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
