i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
