she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
