my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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