Got a toothbrush?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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