so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
