Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
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This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
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He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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