Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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