i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
