Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
