we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
