I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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