i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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