All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Fuck appropriateness.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
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I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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