No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
