Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
as a side note pls kill me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
