i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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