I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
