She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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