I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
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I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
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He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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