Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
