I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
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I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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