The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
