just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Randomize
