HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
