I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
