i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
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Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken