i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.