Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...