I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
