What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
