Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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