She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
