I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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