So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
