In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
