You smell like stripper and shame
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
