You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry about my life...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
