maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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