I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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