the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
