At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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