Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
