Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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