I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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