he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Life is so much better after having sex.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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