I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The power of my boobs compel you
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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